| The Radiator Hums |
[Apr. 14th, 2006|09:00 am] |
So -- once again, we see an example of how my happiness is tied to others. This is a bad thing, oh yes, but right now -- right now, I'm happy. So very happy.
One day, maybe I'll work on this. One day when other people aren't making me happy. For now, I'm okay with it.
Was I happier Sophomore year? Maybe. I don't really remember, to be honest. It's entirely possible.
Whatever, though. I like who I am, even if who I am is not as happy as who I once was. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
He makes me feel beautiful.
Jenson.
Smile. |
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| Just read the headlines. |
[Mar. 12th, 2006|09:29 pm] |
Is it serious?
Not yet.
Is it just something fun?
No, it's more than that.
We're in a sort of limbo. It's a happy limbo, though.
The distance does that.
I'm no good at talking on the phone.
We've been over this.
I like it when we're one on one.
I'm completely comfortable in his presence.
Is it fair to say that I underestimated him?
I don't know. But I was certainly put in my place.
A pleasant surprise, no doubt.
♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|09:42 am] |
[09:30] dresarii: look in the corner, see you dancing by yourself
[09:30] dresarii: and i wonder, baby
[09:30] dresarii: i wonder how bout you come dance with me
[09:31] dresarii: oh, i see you go, i see you laughing lonely
[09:31] bipbooprobot: yea... alright. :)
[09:31] bipbooprobot: g'morning, jared christ
[09:31] dresarii: let's go dance, pick your eyes up and set you free
[09:31] dresarii: just shake your bones just a little bit
[09:31] dresarii: i said move your bones just a little bit
[09:31] dresarii: shake your bones just a bit and come and dance with me
[09:31] dresarii: pick me up, love
[09:31] dresarii: lift me up, love
[09:31] dresarii: everyday
[09:32] dresarii: helloooooo
[09:32] bipbooprobot: hiiiiiii
sometimes, you make me smile real big. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|08:49 pm] |
sometimes, i really miss the intellectual you
which is not to say that you are not intellectual anymore
because that certainly is not the case
but i just rarely see it anymore
as i've removed myself
or let myself drift away
and have made no effort to come back in
because when i am around you
and you are being the other you
i can hardly stand it
i realized today
that this is perhaps one of the few friendships i have ever
in my lifetime
successfully severed without a bunch of drama
and it's not completely cut off
and i don't know that i want it to be complete
but
there was no resistance to the distance |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2006|01:11 pm] |
You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it
This has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|07:44 pm] |
An update is in order, I think.
Where are we, now?
Hm.
Well.
Somebody asked me if I had written to him yet. I haven't, of course. The thought had barely crossed my mind. I hadn't considered it for more than two seconds. If I did, though, what would I write? "Hey, Ozma officially announced that they were getting back together the day after you left. Uhm... I hope you're well. I hope you like... being a missionary."?
I mean... ugh.
In other news...
omgihavetogobye! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|08:55 pm] |
Also...
One year ago today, we saw Darci Cash and A Life Without Music for the first time, and we went and sat on the lawn for a Mormon church, and on that lawn, I cried.
I still visit that lawn, on occasion. Not for very long. It mostly creeps me out.
Anyway, it's been a year. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|08:45 pm] |
Sigh.
It was wonderful.
I'm so awkward.
We started by dancing about an arm's length apart, until he suggested that we go in to "close mode" because there were so many people around.
So we were close. Body to body, [sweaty]cheek to [sweaty]cheek.
Sigh.
Smile.
Sighsmileshrug.
We're never going anywhere.
But that's okay, because he's easily my best guy friend, and I thoroughly enjoy his company, even if we aren't a an us.
I'm down with that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|01:34 pm] |
I've been given the green light by a few different people.
I hope you aren't angry.
Merry Christmas. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|09:47 pm] |
I'm considering starting a new journal when my paid account runs out in January.
It's one of the things that still ties me to him that I can rid myself of.
For some reason, I had this fantasy, this notion, that he would renew the account before he left, in secret, as a salute to me and to us and just to let me know... whatever.
Ridiculous, really. And fucking stupid.
Why would I think that?
I knew it wouldn't happen, but I secretly hoped that it would.
It won't.
This I'm sure.
And for even considering it, I'm irritated with myself.
And it's taken a while, but I'm finally angry with him.
It's time to start a new chapter. A new page.
Also, I've kind of been wanting to start a new journal. A more intellectual one. One that is like a proper blog, and not just a daily rant about whatever is pissing me off. I'll write about things that matter. Or maybe I'll still write about things that piss me off, but it will be more eloquent and they won't be personally directed and I'll do away with posts like, "Today, I went to a concert. Yay."
It's something to think on.
No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter
Sometimes that's just the most comfortable place
So I'm drinking breathing writing singing
Every day I'm on the clock |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|10:08 am] |
From Rachel:
i just read your blog.
i hope my brother wasn't giving you a hard time.
to tell you the truth, he doesn't really like you that much. Whenever i used to talk about you he would get mad and tell me to stop.
what a jerk.
what happend?
Sisters tell it like it is.
AU REVOIR, sir.
You can thank your lucky stars
That everything I wish for will never come true
When you go, I will forget everything about you
When you go, I will forget everything about you
Go, already.
An entire fucking year later, and you're scheduled to leave.
Be gone, so I can stop worrying about what I'll say if I run in to you, or what I'll say when people ask if we still talk; so I can stop convincing myself of things that aren't true. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|06:57 pm] |
It's kind of sorry when the song that I can relate to the most at the moment is one from Fall Out Boy.
Ugh.
I don't know what's going on or why it's going on.
I'm as dumbfounded as you are.
I think it's just that time of year. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2005|03:18 pm] |
Being deleted from somebody's friendslist is kind of the ultimate slap in the face.
So now I'm smarting because you deleted me, and if you won't even read the other journal, then you surely won't read this one, so you won't ever know that I am aware.
I went ahead and deleted you back because -- why not?
I don't really know why this is bothering me so much.
Except for maybe the fact that you reached out a few months ago, and I can't completely forget how we were a year ago, and I'm not really understanding what I did to push you the rest of the way over.
Have fun in Oklahoma, though.
Sincerely -- have an amazing life. You're an amazing person and deserve the best. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|01:45 pm] |
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ughhhghgh just shut up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2005|07:05 pm] |
He thinks I'm joking when I tell him that his ego is smothering.
And mostly, I'm not.
I'll just punch him in the stomach a few more times.
He's great and all, but sometimes it gets to me. I don't much like it. :\
I think I'm starting to crush, again.
We have so much to talk about.
And I really enjoy his company.
It won't ever go anywhere because he's he and I'm me and we are who we are and I don't think we'd ever get there, but that's fine. I like his company. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|02:16 pm] |
ps - douche douche douche douche
face it
you are a douche
[fuck.off] |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|06:44 pm] |
How do I explain that I feel like I have a boyfriend, even though I know that I don't, and there is nobody in particular that I think it is, but every now and then, I just get this feeling...?
WHAT THE alksfjalsdjflj?
I have an overactive imagination.
It is distracting.
I don't like it.
URGH
I'm selfish.
So very selfish.
But -- if I don't act on it, am I still selfish? If I just think about it? And what if it does happen?
Merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
It won't. |
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